METAL!

When I was studying in Munich, a fellow American was obsessed with obscure metal bands and he jumped in with both feet listening to German metal bands.  He was an odd bird.  Formal in his diction, awkwardly officious, and a rabid supporter of far right wing causes.  Much to his continuing disappointment, the mere fact of being an American in Germany did not turn German women into insatiable nymphomaniacs yearning to jump into bed with a doughy dude with a crew cut and David Koresh-style glasses.  An essay he wrote about the bands he discovered in Germany inspired the following monologue.  Rock on!
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Greetings, Metallurgists.  You are listening to Big B Braun's Metalkast. Tonight we break down Donnerschnee's latest release, Lard, Vials, and Daggers.  

As you know, I was totally annihilated with joy when they released Barbed-Wire Enema. Which was unquestionably the most awesome, skull-crushing, example of sonic Blitzkrieg from the last decade.  But that was friggin’ 2007.  Oh, they kept teasin’ us with talk of being back in the studio and new material, but it was all a dry hump. Do you know how long it has been since our eardrums were last invaded with the audio napalm that is Donnerschnee,dear listeners?

Well, it has been 46 months, each more grueling and tortuous than the last, Kommandos.  But no more!  Lard, Vials, and Daggers has finally been unleashed on the unsuspecting masses like a rabid pitbull in an abattoir, fellow metallurgists!  I shit you not, my disciples, this is a truly epic tour de force of metal!

Oh, yes, as soon as you press play, the first track, “Sphincter Sledgehammer” is like a flash-grenade thrown right into your unsuspecting lap.  These metal mercenaries from Leipzig kick the doors in and take no prisoners with their pulsating riffs.  It is total friggin warfare on your eardrums. Track two, “Rusty Nail Catheter” should be illegal.  It is that good. These metallurgists do nothing less than ejaculate molten, flaming mercury all over your face.  I listened to that sucker five times before I moved onto track three, “Slave to the Nordic She Devil.”  I don’t why in the Hell their lead singer, Horst Schwullieber, is fucking around with an accordion on this track but it is unfuckingbelievable!  And they don’t let up from there. Each track is more sadistic and maniacal than that which comes before: (4) Skullfucker, LLC, (5) Himmler’s Concubine, (6) Virgin Ass Puppet, (7) Flaming Meat Wallet, (8) Arch-Duchess of Hell.  And I want to just say, Anne Coulter’s back-up vocals on that track is nothing short of pure, unrelenting genius. Can you even fucking imagine how AWESOME that is?!

Well, it is. Take my word for it on a blood oath.  Where was I?

Oh, yes, track nine is “Combustible Anus.”  With this track, they put the metal universe on notice: this is NOT your grandmother’s heavy metal.  No sir.  Then there’s track ten: “Goat Testicle Quesadilla,” which showcases an emerging metal talent, Javier Schmutzig-Sanchez, who is the Argentine great-grandson of Adolf Eichmann.  The album concludes with the ever-so-sinister and excruciatingly diabolical orgy of sound in which they pay homage to the Norse Goddess of Anger entitled “Weth’s Labia.”Buy the album now.  That! Is! An! Order!